If you're in a bad marriage and are really unhappy, it must be separated, divorced, or remain in a marriage?
This is not a cut and dry decision as there are many factors to consider. We're going to go out the window and ask you to question beliefs that you may have never thought to question before. In other words, having an open mind while reading the rest of this article.
Background - This is a bad relationship?
Imagine the following scenario ...
I was married for twelve years to a man (S) which has left me twice. He also had numerous extra-marital betrayals. He took his things and left the last time about a year and a half ago. I tried and tried to talk to him but he refused to talk to me or answer my calls. I was just heartbroken. It was my second husband. My first husband was not unfaithful, but he had an explosive temper and shouted and screamed at me. And though he never really hit me, I was afraid of him.
In any case, seven months after my second husband left me I decided to try and get on with my life. I met a wonderful man (D). It was everything I wanted - Caring, responsible, trustful and very loving. We started slowly, but after a while 'I am deeply in love with him. He fell in love with me.
I hired a lawyer. I filed for divorce. After I had been with D for about four months he proposed to me. I was very excited and accepted. I knew our relationship was perfect and we had a wonderful life ahead of us. We were doing everything together and I was so happy.
S somehow found out and started to call me. He told me he wanted us back together. He told me he would never do anything he had done to me before. He said he found God and was now going to church. He said he was a changed man. He said it was still his wife and I owed him another opportunity to demonstrate that had changed. He said it was a broken man and thought of suicide. I finally allowed him to see me crying and crying and complaining to me saying he had changed. I felt so guilty.
He had to take her husband back or stay with his new found love? What would you do?
Love and fear
While this is a very emotional situation, must not be allowed to feel guilty about something another person does or experiences. They make their life choices and their experiences are their own. Be understanding and empathy with the other person, but never ever be responsible for what another person is experiencing.
You can control how they behave and respond to a situation, but this is where the control ends. Never let another person make you feel guilty. There is no right or wrong choice, because in life it grows from every experience - some choices just work better for us than others. Even those who did not work quite like you hoped provide the opportunity to grow.
Sometimes the best way to understand what we want is to experience what we do not want. Try to learn from past experiences so that you do not keep repeating over and over. The Universe, or God, seems to continue to send you the same situation or experience until you've learned the lesson that you need to learn from this specific experience. In other words, the models continue to repeat until you get it right.
Our emotional scale has two extremes - love and fear. In every situation - ask yourself if you are acting out of love or fear, and always try to act out of love. Now that means letting someone walk on you ... You need to make decisions that feel right in your heart, the core of your being, in your gut, but want to explain it. Just make sure you're not making your decisions out of fear, anger, guilt, jealousy, revenge or any other negative emotion.
Others may react to your decisions with negative emotion, but remember what I said earlier - you can just check your answers, not them. If another person chooses to respond to something to do with a negative feeling, that is their decision and you can not control what they do. One can only accept their reaction with love and understanding.
Make your life decisions based on what feels right for you. Many but not all, will disagree with me, but the only person that you are solely responsible in this life is you. Others come and go from your life so that you can further the experience of life, but you come in this life and leave on your own, So make sure while your here you take care of you.
Religion and guilt
When you choose to get advice from a religious counselor, remember that he is bound by rules and Regulations of whichever religion you choose to follow. And those rules and regulations are not always based on love but can also be based on monitoring and trying to make the followers act and behave religion deems appropriate.
Forgiveness, however, is the most powerful tool you have in this life. I think there is a quote that goes something like ... "Forgiveness is a gift from God who forgives, not" forgiven - something like that. It 'very true because when you forgive someone you let go of all negative emotions that the situation around if the other person also knows that forgave them.
This may sound harsh, but I would ditch the church counselor. He does not necessarily have your interests in mind. His main concern is that you follow the rules of the church, you're happy or not. And I think we are all here to experience happiness.
The doctrine of misery is fabricated by modern organized religion. We say that we be good people to suffer. Have you actually read the Bible? I can not find anywhere in the Bible that says we need to be unhappy to be good people.
My interpretation of the teachings of Jesus' and the Bible is that we must love and accept everyone and every experience that comes into our life unconditionally because life is perfection.
Sure, modern religion misquotes many specific passages in the Bible that have been translated by many different authors with many different perceptions through many different languages thousands of years - and then tells us to follow their rules or go to hell. I believe that Hell is defined by the self perpetrated misery that many people are put in every day.
"Hell is what we experience when we are faithful to ourselves."
We do not need religion to tell us what is right and wrong. Until you come from a place of love and acceptance, you will always make the right decisions. I've never known a truly spiritual person who judges or condemns another person. Why an omnipotent God need to judge us - that would be like us judging the actions of the ants in an anthill on a small island in the middle of the Pacific Ocean ... OK, enough ranting on modern religion ...
In summary
If you are in a similar situation,
- Follow your heart and do what you feel to be right.
- Stop listening to other people who are not on your path. Have you heard the old adage of walking a mile in another's shoes before judging them. Well, the fact is that no one has walked in your shoes and have no right to say what is right or wrong for you.
- Stop to repeat old patterns and stop punishing yourself for things that others perceive to be wrong. Follow your heart and your passions. Only then can you truly be happy.
- It is your responsibility to make someone else happy, but it is your responsibility to make you happy.
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