Sometimes, things really happen in threes. And my rule is that when something happens three times, I would have to take seriously the problem is this.
Yesterday, I had three people call me their divorces. One is just the beginning of a divorce, another is in the middle, while the third is ending. (And in fact, a fourth person called because she is starting a new relationship, which is the education of the unsolved problems of a long-term relationship that ended a couple of years ago).
They all had some problems in common - pain, trust, letting go of attachments and renegotiation. The pain is basically an intense feeling of loss. When a relationship ends, it is normal to feel loss (which has lost something), and if it is a wedding or another primary, long-term relationship, it is normal to be afraid.
Usually, however, the pain associated with death, especially of a loved one, that makes sense, because it is a major permanent loss (at least in this life). But there is a big difference between a death and mourning, mourning the end of a relationship. When a loved one dies, the family and friends surround you and sustain you. Everyone understands the death, right? That person was right there, in a body, walking and talking and hugging you, is no more. And part of the ritual of death is that of family and friends speak well of the dead, recalling all of its good quality, useful actions, results, etc.
It 's different in divorce. First, there is a reason for divorce interpersonal, as opposed to the death, which is more a problem of staff for the deceased. You loved the person you married - was felt that this was the best person for you around the world, or that he would not have married her. So something has changed. Maybe it's the other person. People change, not always for the better (or business that has alcohol or other addictions, for example). Or maybe it's you - it could be changed. Could be grown and now not prepared to tolerate things that I had put up with in the past. Or perhaps rose-colored glasses of love fell from my eyes, and you now see clearly something that properly ignored or excused for a long time. Or both. (Maybe you're the one with the problem of addiction, but in this case, you probably are not calling me, so I leave others to discuss.)
This means that there are huge problems of loss around a divorce (that often there are around a death). First, for their own welfare, ultimately you have to forgive your ex for whatever he or she has or has not done or said - often over a long period of time. I'm not saying it's easy, but remembering that people are doing their best to help all the time. There can be better better, but it's the best we can do, since they are at the time.
The most difficult task is to forgive yourself for whatever you did or did not say or do - and especially not what he has seen. Forgive yourself for ignoring what is now patently obvious to you may be the most difficult task of all, harder than moving forward every day to build a new life for you (and your kids, if you have them). What makes it so difficult to forgive yourself is that you question their assessment. How did I do not see this (irresponsibility, dependency trends are deposited cruel, that is)? If I did not see this, then what else am I not seeing? How can I ever trust my opinion enough to enter a new relationship? Trusting yourself is extremely important going forward. He was doing the best they could at that time, too, and you learn from this experience, so the next time you'll see more, right?
Another task is to let go of emotional / energy attachment to another person. While most people think that this is a huge process that takes a lot of power for a long period of time, many of which can actually be done in few minutes with a simple viewing or two. I did this with a client yesterday, and at the end, he said, "Is that all? It 'been so easy! And I feel much better." Stuff happens - suffering is optional. (It 's different for each person, or should I describe.)
Divorce is different from death in another way, too. Your friends and family members may or may not surround you and sustain you. Maybe some of them disappear, or they do not know what to do or say, or because "their side" your ex, or because they believe in divorce wrong in principle. And those who stick with you often begin to express reservations about your ex who had all the time, but it seemed wrong item. Maybe you know only as part of a couple, so you know in one person is completely new relationship. In any case, the important thing is to recognize that you are recreating, or renegotiation, all your relationships, not just with your ex. When you run this in mind, go faster and easier than if you are not aware of what you're doing.
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